I might not be meant to write ‘Les Misérables’ (and that’s okay)

When I started writing this paper, I didn’t know what exactly it was that I wanted to talk about. I guess we all have those moments in our lives –at least I frequently do– when you feel that you just have to let out something– but what is it? What exactly have I been thinking about? What were the dreams I was having before waking up and forgetting about them? What has been eating at me for a few days?

There comes this time when you’re used to writing a lot, and you sit at your breakfast table, mouth full of cereals, and suddenly it dawns on you: today I have to write about something, or else– what? I’m going to explode? No, no, it seems far too dramatic, you don’t feel that desperate. But either way something will happen if you keep quiet.

Now, if you’re a sensible person, you sigh and think, ‘I have other things to do with my life, like doing my homeworks, the laundry, cleaning a bit’, and you settle on not listening to your dramatic little self. Or, if you’re like me, you climb back into your bed, grab your computer and start to write.

I told you: I don’t know what to talk about. And you may have noticed that since the beginning of this essay, I haven’t talked substancially about anything. Then that’s settled: let’s write about not writing about anything.

It may seem vain, at first; well, it may seem vain for a very long time. As a highschooler, all I wanted to write about were complicated stories, novels with intricate plots and political messages, at least a hundred pages long — no matter I never completed any of those. What I did complete were small stories: my favourite characters hanging out, drinking some tea, looking at the stars, for instance. Or an elaborate, albeit synthetic, essay about an interesting villain. Or, from time to time, a piece featuring my friends, set in some ridiculous situation and written to make them laugh.

Looking back, it seems that I was writing about something, multiple things even. But bear in mind that my ambition was to write the novel that would shake the 21rst century, a new Les Misérables — harder, better, faster, gayer. (That last part was of primordial importance to me.) What I was writing seemed like nothing of importance. It seemed like it was about nothing at all. Who cared about two Hetalia characters having a slumber party? Who cared about my little fantasies of friendship when Monuments™ were being written?

The answer surprised me: a lot of people seemed to care. I had published my stories (all fanfictions at this time) on websites, and they had had some success! I had even had a few dithyrambic reviews, some of them that made me cry (because I was in high school and desperate for attention, as one does). It seemed that what I considered to be nothing ended up being something.

And that was when my writing started to change: I stopped being self-conscious of caring about the details, the little things no one else remarks and no one else wants to talk about. I stopped wanting to write for other people to be awed, and I started to write for me, things that made me happy. The fact that I had been writing on the Internet for about two years was freeing: before that, I had mostly been writing for people to be proud of me. My parents, my grandmother. None of these ‘real life people’ were interested in my fanfictions. The only person in my life that knew about my fanfictions was me. The only person that could be proud of me was me.

And as I found out, I was the only one that could write these stories the exact way I needed to read them. The only person that could help me enjoy those little things, those little nothings, was me.

I believe writing about ‘nothing’ is important. As well as talking about ‘nothing’ with your friends, or watching videos you already watched 15 times. You need to take it slow. You need to vent sometimes. Not everything has to be of crucial importance. In fact, life is made of sweet nothings. No one lives like a YA novel hero all the time, focused on a task, a duty to save the universe. The consumption society urges us to always live more, want more, ask for more, (pay for more). But I believe we have overlooked a simple truth: humans are not meant to live grandiloquently.

We find solace in little things. We find solace in nothings. They seep through our cracks and make life worth living. Walking down a pavement and noticing a flower coming out of a drain: this is life. Reading the Little Prince and crying about the snake: this is life. Laying down next to a friend in silence for two hours and finding comfort in their breath pattern: this is life. Realizing you still know the words of a song: this is life.

And as I finish writing this article, I notice that I finally let out what I needed to say. I still don’t know exactly what is was– surely, nothing of great importance. But it feels good, having it written down. And maybe it feels good to have read it, too. Maybe it’s not that much of a nothing after all.

Publicités

Voyages

Mad in Wonderland

On se couche ici

Sous un ciel de fausses étoiles

On a peur des nuits blanches

Et de nos idées noires

On fait tourner l’alcool

Le xanax, un joint

Mélanger, gorgée de café

Habitude démesurée

Si on s’endort sans penser c’est qu’on a gagné

Si on s’endort sans se réveiller

C’est que la guerre est terminée

La vie est un champ de bataille

Qu’on espère toustes quitter

Dans le silence ou la gloire

Pourvu qu’ils ne se souviennent pas qu’ici la terre a été marquée de nos pas

Y a le vide dans nos têtes, le désordre quand on regarde le Styx

Les larmes de Charon ont dû le remplir

On en sent le goût salé depuis nos baignoires rougies

Nos vies sont des champs de bataille

Où on ne peut espérer vaincre

Tu peux toujours nous y rejoindre

Il est dit que c’est moins dur à trois

Dos à…

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Je suis canon et je vous emmerde

Monsieur, s'il vous plaît

C’est plus facile quand on est beau. Les cis t’adorent, petite chose mignonne et vaguement subversive que tu es. Et puis beau ça veut dire qu’on peut te prendre pour unE cis, alors forcément ça aide au quotidien. De ne pas être vuE comme une monstruosité, ou constamment mégenréE… Il peut même t’arriver de rencontrer des gens qui voudront bien te baiser.

Il faut comprendre la violence de cette société qui ne fait référence qu’à la beauté, à la transition « réussie » d’une personne quand on parle d’elle, et qui en même temps dit toujours qu’être trans c’est forcément être un monstre. Comme le patriarcat classe les femmes cis en baisables ou imbaisables, il classe les trans en « peut passer pour unE cis » et « truc bizarre ». Que le truc bizarre soit grotesque, effrayant, dégoûtant, qu’on le pointe du doigt ou qu’on omette poliment d’en parler. Mais alors ça veut dire qu’en…

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La psychophobie, ça tue.

Coups de Gueule de Lau

Elle s’appelait Anouk.
C’était une amie, et une camarade de lutte contre la psychophobie.
Elle est morte il y a trois semaines, à 42 ans.

J’ai hésité longtemps à raconter son histoire ici, parce que c’est SON histoire.
Et puis on m’a fait remarquer qu’elle n’avait pas hésité à témoigner à visage découvert des maltraitances psychiatriques qu’elle avait vécu, et qu’elle aurait très probablement voulu que son histoire puisse servir à d’autres.
Et peut-être que ça pourra – au moins – rendre sa mort un peu moins absurde.

Elle avait 42 ans.
Et elle est morte chez elle, d’un AVC ou d’une crise d’épilepsie qui a mal tourné.
Après un parcours complètement absurde de psychophobie médicale, de non-prise en compte de ses souffrances physiques et psychiques.
Un parcours qu’elle avait entrepris de dénoncer, et que je vais continuer à dénoncer ici, parce qu’elle ne peut plus le faire, mais qu’il…

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A l’enfant sans visage 

Mad in Wonderland

[warning : mention de maltraitance et maladie mentale]
Tu ne seras pas, mon enfant. J’aurais aimé, pourtant, je pense. T’avoir dans mes bras, petite masse légère et chaude. J’aurais aimé t’entendre babiller, tes yeux grand ouverts se promenant sur le monde pour, parfois, affronter les miens.

J’aurais aimé te serrer contre moi pour éloigner les cauchemars ; te construire des tours que tu aurais démolies, pour le simple plaisir d’entendre ton rire.

J’aurais aimé te voir grandir, te lever pour marcher vers moi ; me tenir tête, me faire éclater de rire alors que je devrais te réprimander.

J’aurais aimé t’entendre parler, chercher tes mots, te tromper et me demander de l’aide, silencieusement en un regard. Crier de colère, affirmer ce que tu es.

Je t’aurais accompagné⋅e, tu sais. Aussi longtemps que tu l’aurais voulu. J’aurais été là pour te rattraper lorsque tes ailes neuves n’auraient supporté tes désirs de…

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giving some news

Hi there,

I apologize in advance, I think I’m gonna write in English for this one article; I’ve been translating ALL DAY ALL NIGHT lately and this masochist move has affected me a lot, since I can’t even seem to think in French anymore.

I’m sorry the blog hasn’t had any recent upload in the past few… weeks, months maybe, I don’t know. I’m not particularly worried about the impatience of a hypothetical fanbase, since no one seems to read this blog (it’s alright, I think I wouldn’t read it either, I merely do it for my own purpose anyway.) Thus, perhaps this article is all about apologizing to myself and making things clear. I tend not to work very well or quickly if I don’t know where exactly I’m heading to, and I found that my goals are kind of messy at the moment!

As I said, I’ve been translating like crazy, and fighting a lot of battles at the same time. I first started to translate two different academic essays: one in English, one in German (I figured I should try translating in my third language as well, and though I need a dictionnary next to me all the time, I have to say it is quite fun -and I am quite surprised-).
These two essays are called Homosexuality at the online Hogwarts and All of the Greek and Roman Classics; both of them are about fanfictions and pop-culture, and how they are influenced either by current sociopolitical context or ancient references/intertexts. I actually plan on publishing my French translations on edu.com when I’m done, since I have the authorization of the original authors!

I also started to translate (with her agreement!) Celine Schillinger’s blog, and I’ll keep you updated about it as I am very excited about how it will turn out!

And finally, I plan on doing the NaNoWriMo again this year. You might not know the NaNo: its full name is National Novel Writing Month and the idea, to put it simply, is: you get to write a full 50K-words novel in one month, from November 1rst to 31rst.
The thing is, I’m terrible at long stories, I can’t even seem to write novels of more than 5 Word pages; so I won’t be using the NaNo this way. Last year, the alternative I found was the following: ‘if you don’t write 50K words, at least try to translate 50K words.’ I actually translated about 30K, which was quite good knowing 1. I hadn’t planned on doing it and only started a week and a half after the others (on the 9th of November I think) 2. Prépa isn’t the least time-consuming course of study and I had tons of tests to prepare, and still managed to pull out about 2K words per day.

And when one of those projects is over, I think I’ll try translating some TedEx talks as well (but this isn’t my concern for now, I have too much on my plate already).

So that’s it folks! Two academic essays (20 pages long each…), plus one blog, plus 50K of fictions and fanfictions for the NaNoWriMo. With my family we also plan on going to Turin for the All Saints’ vacation this year, and though I went last year, I feel like it’s been years since the last time I was in Italy and I’m so! happy!! I get to finally see Turin!!! (and its apparently wonderful Cinema Museum. yay. i’m exCiTED). Also, I’m doing just fine in Prépa for now, my grades don’t suffer quite as much as last year, and it’s so cool to see I’m getting somewhere! (I just have to plan my work/nap time more carefully) In short: lots of projects, lots of good news, lots of keeping my head above the water and denying my sleeping cycle. To quote « Hamilton, a American Musical » (which I’ve been listening ad infinitum): Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. 

Thank you for reading my rambling, and I’ll see you soon!,
Good day, guys, gals and non-binary pals